What Possessed Me

In which I cleanse my body (but not my mind)

Me, on Day 3 of my Faux-BluePrintCleanse.

I am doing a motherfucking juice cleanse. JUICE: FUCK YEAH!

It seemed like a good idea since I'm overweight, depressed, lethargic, unmotivated and completely undisciplined. I'm also teetering on the brink of pauper-dom, so instead of forking over $150 for BluePrint, I bought SIX BAGS of fruit and veg and spent three and a half hours reducing salad into a collection of eighteen vile-looking beverages following these guidelines.* 

I'm on Day Two of Three and am:

• Feeling like crap
• Experiencing severe caffeine withdrawal
• Shitting beet juice (alarming)

I am NOT:

• Feeling more energized and focused
• Getting rid of toxins
• Closer to Jesus

I am skeptical of the whole cleansing fad, though some of the juices are tastier than one might expect. I have a hard time saying "nut juice" without winking and laughing, so I would avoid following this program if you have the maturity of a fourteen year old boy.

I'll be back here soon with more verve, I hope. Thank you all for being so lovely and encouraging. I miss you and sometimes I even miss this place. xo

 

* You will notice after spending a few hours on the internet Googling "juice fast" that there are a lot of freaky juicing evangelists out there. These people are fine for the internet and for using for your own selfish purposes, but I'm not sure I'd want to know one. Which is why I'm keeping my little juicing experiment low-pro by posting it on my blog.

The worst interview ever

Interview with twenty-three year old recent Ivy League graduate with insanely stellar resume.

Applicant: So what's the next step if I pass this round of interviews?

P: You would be crazy to take this job.

Applicant: What?!

P: I am looking at you and you're so full of promise! You can do anything you want. Think of the most wonderful job you can possibly imagine and even if it seems totally far fetched, find out who's in charge and cold call them. You have nothing to lose by being ballsy. Be bold! Don't settle for this.

Applicant: But I want the job.

P: I am not letting you take this job.

Applicant: Why not?! It sounds exciting.

P: Trust me, it's not. You can do so much better than this! You should be applying for a Fulbright to make yurts in Mongolia! 

Applicant: But I speak Chinese...(laughing)

P: OK! Yurts in Beijing! Or whatever!

Applicant: Ummm...so...

P: So...here's my card. Call me later! We can talk about better, cooler jobs for you.

Applicant: (Baffled) Wait...so...are you not hiring me? I don't want a Fullbright - I want a job. Just to be clear.

P: You're twenty-three. Jobs are overrated. Speak soon! Byeeeeee!

 

* * * * * 

And that, friends, was probably the shittiest interview I've ever conducted. Still, I wish someone had said the same to me when I was twenty-three. And when she becomes the absolute rock star I know she will become, I hope she credits me while accepting her Noble Peace Prize.

 

Image via Sabino.

WPM on how to reverse a string of bad luck

Last night I hung out with a dear friend who is experiencing a long string of bad luck that rivals the Book of Job in its hyperbolic crappiness - the only thing that hasn't happened to him yet is a plague of locusts (though the with new bedbug hysteria in New York, a modern interpretation can't be far behind). After hearing the various disasters that have beset him, I sat across the table in utter helplessness and disbelief. How can so much bad shit happen to such a good person? How much longer before his luck turns around?

I'd like to think that there is no such thing as bad luck, but then I'd be one of those pedantic, self-made bootstrappers with little patience for complainers - the kind of people who solve their own problems and believe in self-determinism. Dude, that sounds exhausting. I'd rather look up spells on the internet. Here's an informal list of ways to reverse bad luck specially formulated for lazy people and gathered in an extremely unscientific manner:

• Sleep with an ugly. Apparently major league ball players do it as a "slump buster." Fortunately, most of these people can be easily found at video arcades, bowling alleys and Phish concerts.
• Befriend a ginger. They're being crapped on more than anyone.
• Immerse yourself in the sea.
• Practice douchebaggery. If there is anything we've learned from 80s movies, it's that nice guys finish last.
• Turn three times in a counter clockwise motion. 
• Create what is known as a "mojo bag" by placing cleansing herbs such as agar and basil in a cloth bag to keep with you or put under your pillow for three days (or until they stink enough to ward off evil spirits).
• Curl up into a little ball and drink as much rosé as your gag reflex will allow. Cry in the mirror. Repeat.*
• Something about taking a bath with special herbs before dawn. Also sounds exhausting. Skip.

What do you do to turn your luck around?

*My own special method - now yours to enjoy!

 

Image: Orientalist painting by Jean Léone Gérôme