Yesterday, Fauxhawk and I found ourselves on a nude beach. I say “found ourselves” because I want you to think that we did not actually make a conscious decision to take that little yellow school bus marked “clothing optional” when we got to Sandy Hook. Instead, I would like you to think it was an accident – an amusing mix-up from an episode of "Three’s Company." All I can say is I’m not really sure how it happened, considering the monumental humiliation that was my last nude beach experience (hi Vivi!).
Anyway, one minute we’ve got our bathing suits on, the next minute we’re on Bare Bottom Beach naked as jaybirds and trying desperately to look nonchalant. Fauxhawk pulled it off quite naturally, rolling over to sun his moon and read The New Yorker. Meanwhile, I peeked through my sunglasses at the unsavories around us and tried to concentrate on positive thinking. No one is looking, I said to myself. No one cares! Everyone is nude! You are just one of many!
Just as I started to embrace my own nudity and the nudity of those around me, a blond teenager in a lifeguard bathing suit strode over. “Excuse me,” he said. “You’re going to have to move over THERE if you’re not going to wear any clothes.”
We had somehow found ourselves a foot into the clothed section, where, it turned out, everyone was wearing clothes. Suddenly, we were Adam and Eve, banished from the Garden of Eden and ashamed of our nakedness. Gathering up our things with as much dignity as one can muster while bending over naked, we tromped across the sand to find a spot among the teaming crowds of nude men, women and children. In other words, our people. We set up camp next to a sociable bunch of middle-aged suburbanites and prayed that they would refrain from a) eye contact b) conversation and c) gratuitous sunscreen application.
After three hours of looking at roasted kielbasa, I can say with great conviction that nudity is incredibly unsexy.
Other revelations:
- It is totally normal to say to your wife, “IF YOU GET BURNED ON YOUR ASSCRACK, DON’T BLAME ME.”
- Apparently, Brazilian waxing is not the exclusive domain of women or male porn stars.
- Caesarian scars are really small now.
- Nude volleyball is not advisable.
- Swimming in jellyfish infested waters while nude is also not advisable.
- Unless you are a nubile Brazilian, doing most things in the nude is not advisable.
- This yogurt cooling gel from Korres is an excellent cure for someone whose sunburned bottom shall remain nameless.
Photo: Police Officer Chases Skinny Dippers. Original caption: Additional Hulton Text: Skinny dippers in the Serpentine, Hyde Park, being chased by the law. 1925. Hulton-Deutsch Collection/CORBIS
