Calling all white people

Dear White People Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day,

This morning while I was on the subway, you asked me where my green was. I looked at you blankly and you said, in a very loud voice, “IT’S SAINT PATTY’S DAY!”

First of all, stop calling him that. It’s really, really annoying.

Second: For some reason, you think I care about St. Patrick’s Day, probably because I am a white person like you. Apparently, the fact that neither you nor I are Irish is immaterial. Our mutual whiteness gives us license to drink beer before noon, wear face paint, and cultivate an instant love of bagpipe music. Black people - you are not allowed. Asians – you’re not allowed either. Latinos – only if you look white and you’re wearing a green tube top.

Also: I am trying to work here. You and your white people friends are cheering for no particular reason outside of my office and I can’t concentrate. Please, for the love of God, shut your gobs before I shut them for you. Is that Irish enough for your ass?

In addition: When I go out to lunch today, I sincerely hope that it is not your vomit I am sliding across in my nice shoes.

Love,
P.