It’s been a rather grim week at work. The atmosphere has been tense in the office as rumors of cutbacks and layoffs spread like wildfire. We’re all on edge, wondering who will be the next victim. At the water cooler, colleagues whisper conspiratorially.
“I heard X just got fired.”
“Wow.”
“And they’re cutting costs.”
“Again? What else can they cut?”
“Snacks.”
“Snacks?! Are you serious?!”
“Yeah, it sucks.”
“But what about the wasabi peas? What about the banana chips?”
“Gone.”
“So we’re not going to have Healthy Harvest Trail Mix anymore?”
“Nope.”
“God, I really liked that stuff.”
“And no more instant oatmeal packets. That’s out too.”
“So they’re cutting breakfast, too? NO!”
“I know. I think I should start looking.”
“Yeah, no SHIT.”
And so on. We begin to imagine other cost-cutting measures.
MEMO
To: All Staff
Re: New Measures
The turbulent markets have continued to take a toll on our business and management has responded accordingly by streamlining costs and increasing efficiency.
We have recently become aware that some employees have been using company supplies inappropriately. By “supplies” we mean toilet paper. By “inappropriate” we mean more than three squares for #1 and more than five squares for #2. While it is our belief that trust and good judgment are the hallmarks of this firm, we have no choice to but to address these abuses by discontinuing the supply of toilet paper in the restrooms. As a company committed to embracing diversity, we have every confidence that you will do what so many of the brown peoples of the world do by using your left hand to compensate.
Management will no longer provide snacks. Please bring your own from home. May we suggest low fiber options such as Polly-O String Cheese? As you have no reason to leave your desks, we are limiting bathroom breaks to once a day to encourage productivity. Catheters will be distributed at the next staff meeting.
Your cooperation is appreciated this afternoon as the janitors circulate to remove items not central to our core business, such as desk chairs. Please also complete a statement of no more than 500 words addressing why you believe a telephone is critical to your work.
If you have been informed of your early departure from the firm, please remove and collect all of the staples from your filed documents and submit them to the office manager.
The management committee thanks you for your cooperation as we make these minor adjustments.
