Note to Self: The Year in Numbers

Dear 2007 Self,

In reviewing your statistics for the past year, I must say that I am more than a little concerned.

Let’s be frank. Let’s even be honest. Self, it doesn’t look good. I think you know this and I think you are deep denial. I think you think it’s all going to get better by itself, but Self, we both know that 98% of the time, you are lazy and shiftless and crippled by the competing forces of blind optimism and dark, dismal pessimism. Because of this, I think we’re going to have to do things the hard way.

We’re going to have to tally shit up.



Romantic life:

Number of breakups: 3
Number of distressing ex-boyfriend visitations: 2
Number of evenings spent listening to Joni Mitchell while crying about the above: 132 (rough estimate)
Number of nervous breakdowns and nuclear meltdowns related to the above: 3 (at least)
Number of therapy sessions devoted to the above: 68
Number of hours beloved friends spent coaching you about the above: 1,116
Number of times you batted Fauxhawk around with your paw: 2 (number currently under dispute)

Professional life:

Number of times you cursed your job: 730
Number of viable ideas generated about a more fulfilling career: 0
Number of times you “got creative” when talking about your current career at parties: 57

Family life:

Number of points needed to become Good Child: 7,464 (depending on performance of the incumbent)
Number of efforts made to overthrow Good Child: 4
Number of times your niece threw up on you: 6
Number of times your nephew peed on your leg: 2

Personal growth:

Number of times you made a complete ass of yourself: 182 (generous estimate)
Number of self-help books given to you: 4
Number of times you drank too much: 29
Number of times you drank too much and went splat on the sidewalk: 1
Number of months during which you visited the gym at least once: 4
Number of blogs you created: 1
Number of people who actually read your blog: 4
Number of times you got busted for the smack you wrote on your blog: 2
Number of countries you visited: 3
Number of times your intestines dissolved as result of those trips: 2
Number of plants killed deliberately with Clorox: 1
Number of household cats you hoped to kill with Clorox: 2-3 (depending on behavior)

Finances:

Number of years before you will be able to buy an apartment in New York City: 47
Number of financial planning books you have read: 0
Number of hours you spent contemplating aforementioned books: 12
Number of times you said, “Fuck that!” and picked up Elle Decor instead of aforementioned books: 12

Goals and Aspirations:

Number of times you fantasized about doing something more substantial with your life: 1,654,001
Number of times you actually did something about these fantasies: 0
Number of times you were crippled with self-doubt when contemplating the future: 425
Number of times you contemplated becoming a Starbucks barista: 18

I don’t need to tell you that your numbers have ranged from lackluster to spectacularly bad this year. If I don’t see improvement in your value add over the next quarter, I will be forced to put you on a monitored performance plan and limit your access to the internets.

Best regards,
2008 Self


Illustration by jorg3pavon