One of the things Fauxhawk likes to do is gross me out. Since I am a medical professional,* I am accustomed to the human body and all of its idiosyncrasies, but there are times when the mere mention of “anal lubrication fluid” sends me into fetal position.
This afternoon, Fauxhawk sent me an email with two high resolution photographs. I will refrain from posting these pictures as they are a violation of all that is sacred in this world, but imagine, if you will, a giant mormal - a wen of epic proportion photographed in such detail that it is impossible to identify where this gangrenous cancer actually exists on the body. His body.
I IMed Fauxhawk to express my shock and concern. Below is a transcript of our conversation, preserved for your reading pleasure. If you are faint of heart or weak of stomach, stop right here. I’m not responsible if you barf up your summer sausage.
Persephone (11:58:44 AM): Oh my god - where is that on your body? I can't even tell.
Fauxhawk (12:48:14 PM): On my cack.
Persephone (12:48:19 PM): stop it
Fauxhawk (12:48:20 PM): just kidding. on my shoulder.
Persephone (12:48:31 PM): yowza
Fauxhawk (12:48:41 PM): that is what happens, in a very short time, if you maul an innocent zit on your shoulder. That's only like a day's work.
Persephone (12:48:54 PM): That was an innocent zit?
Fauxhawk (12:49:20 PM): I tried and failed to pop it; a blood blister resulted, and that was the beginning of the fun.
Persephone (12:49:33 PM: BWAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Fauxhawk (12:49:34 PM): Using non-disinfected tweezers definitely helps, I'd say.
Persephone (12:49:41 PM): Oh my god
Fauxhawk (12:50:07 PM): I dipped the tweezers in a spicy tuna roll, waited overnight, then went at it.
Persephone (12:50:16 PM): Holy Mother of God. [Feeling slightly faint]
Fauxhawk (12:50:28 PM): K, that's not true, but aside from the tuna roll it's ALL TROO
Persephone (12:50:29 PM): Did you swab the wound with wasabi?
Fauxhawk (12:50:40 PM): No, with anchovy paste
Persephone (12:50:47 PM): Right. Good call.
Fauxhawk (12:50:52 PM): And raw trout
Persephone (12:51:18 PM): Did you allow flies to lay their eggs under the protrusion?
Fauxhawk (12:51:38 PM): No, there wasn't time, but I did get Verne [the cat] to rub his ahnuss on it.
Persephone (12:51:46 PM): That is vile.
Persephone (12:52:05 PM): I am gagging: But strangely impressed.
Fauxhawk (12:52:21 PM): Right, exactly
Persephone (12:52:52 PM): You know, it's good that you're dating a dermo-podiatrist like me.
Fauxhawk (12:52:57 PM): I KNOW.
Persephone (12:53:07 PM): Otherwise, I might be grossed out by the pictures you sent. But I'm a medical professional, so I can handle it.
Fauxhawk (12:53:28 PM): YUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Persephone (12:53:32 PM): What? Dermopodiatry? I know, it's gross. But it's my calling.
Fauxhawk (12:53:50 PM): i just actually looked at these photos for the first time; before i just sent them to you only having seen the thumbnails.
Persephone (12:54:13 PM): They are so huge that it’s impossible to even tell what part of your body the festering crater is on.
Fauxhawk (12:54:27 PM): Yeah. It's on my cack, as i said.
Fauxhawk (12:54:40 PM):Actually, it looks nipplish
Fauxhawk (12:54:49 PM): Like a bube.
Persephone (12:55:01 PM): Oh Jesus, the horror.
Fauxhawk (12:55:26 PM): Doesn't it look like it belongs in a brochure showing what different kinds of gum diseases or STDs look like?
Persephone (12:55:41 PM): It looks like stage 4 syphilis.
Persephone (12:55:57 PM): That's my medical opinion.
Fauxhawk (12:56:27 PM): hmm -- maybe I got it from rubbing fold cheese from my cack onto my shoulder.
Fauxhawk (12:56:42 PM): ‘cept i don't have syphilis. so the cheese wouldn't be syphilitic
Persephone (12:56:44 PM): Fold cheese...
Fauxhawk (12:56:58 PM): FOLD CHEESE
Persephone (12:57:13 PM): perhaps the most genius thing Amy Sedaris has ever said.
Fauxhawk (12:57:24 PM): totally. twisted, even for her.
Persephone (12:57:39 PM): Glad you don't have that. On your cack or anywhere else.
Fauxhawk (12:58:09 PM): Fold cheese? Yeah. Well, that's why going to the gym is good. Otherwise you end up with fold cheese eventually.
Persephone (12:58:35 PM): Right. And also important for Operation: Good Child.
Fauxhawk (12:58:46 PM): Right.
Persephone (12:58:51 PM): I bet you that fold cheese is off the menu at my parents' house.
Fauxhawk (12:59:18 PM): “I've brought artichoke hearts with fold cheese for DIPPING!!!”
Persephone (12:59:39 PM): What's more revolting, artichoke dip with fold cheese or brussel sprouts with fish sauce?
Fauxhawk (1:00:21 PM): it's a tie i think
Persephone (1:00:25 PM): a tie?? How can you say that?
Fauxhawk (1:00:50 PM): speaking of TIES, your brother's tie didn't get him any points [at Thanksgiving] either!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Persephone (1:00:56 PM): What tie?
Fauxhawk (1:00:59 PM): or rather, the way he'd tied it
Persephone (1:01:12 PM): He likes the fat tie thing.
Fauxhawk (1:01:18 PM): it was five inches too short, honey.
Persephone (1:01:24 PM): Oh. I don't know about these things.
Fauxhawk (1:01:56 PM): A tie should, ideally, extend below your nipples.
Persephone (1:03:02 PM): He did admit that the tie was a bit short. He just couldn't be bothered to fix it. So does this mean that we're ahead? Or what?
Fauxhawk (1:04:15 PM): don't know if we're "ahead" or not, but it definitely helps. "Couldn't be bothered" leads to defeat, certainly.
Persephone (1:04:22 PM): Good. I can smell victory. Or is that fold cheese?
*Patently untrue.
