An indecent proposal

My friend Vivienne had the nerve to move away from Miami before I could visit her and work on my tan. Because of this blatant disregard for my own needs, God punished Vivienne. In addition to banishing her to Boulder (of all places), the Lord saw fit to set her boyfriend’s vintage car on fire while it was en route to Colorado. I think Vivienne has learned her lesson.


You may remember from a previous post that Vivienne is a Chinese girl from Staten Island. I am a Greek girl from the Upper West Side. Together we form Voltron. For the whippersnappers who don’t remember this all-powerful action hero, I’ll tell you that Voltron never stepped foot on a mountain, wore unbleached cotton, or drank wheatgrass smoothies. So it was a bit of a surprise when I received the following email from Vivienne:

“I MISS YOU!!! Will you come over to Boulder some time and stay with us? We still need to set up the guest room, but once we do, I hope you'll come over and do some hiking/skiing/granola eating/pubic bush growing, just like everyone out here in Boulder.”

Can you believe it? Granola! That’s disgusting.