It's a commonly known fact on this blog that the months between December and April are a special time of physical deterioration when beauty slowly erodes. Until warm weather once again forces us to expose our flesh, it makes little sense to bother with exercise and prettification. This time of dormancy is called the Uglies - and anything that threatens it (such as a wedding in January, for example) - is greeted with deep suspicion and consternation.
More fuel for the fire: I read recently that men covet women more in winter because (in some deep, dark place) they deem covered flesh more valuable than exposed flesh. Creeptastic! Now I can wallow in The Uglies with impunity, knowing that I am deeply coveted, patchy skin and all!
I learned yesterday, however, that there are limits to my apathy. Maybe it was Valentine's Day - or maybe it was the fact that my hair made a crunching sound when I brushed it. In any event, I pulled myself off the couch and called upon the gods for help. This is what they told me.
Greek Goddess Hair Mask
1/4 cup olive oil (do not be freaked out about putting oil on your face. It's ok, trust me)
Tablespoon of rosemary (fresh or dried)
Generous blob of honey
Heat that shiz up, stirring on a double boiler or in the microwave. Let it cool a bit and strain. While it's still warm, rub the mixture on your palms and rake through damp hair, starting at the ends and working your way up to the scalp. When you've coated your entire head with goo (leaving a small amount unused), cover hair in plastic wrap and blast with a hair dryer. Cover your plastic coated head with a towel, turban-styles, and let it cook for 30 minutes. Rinse thoroughly before shampooing 1-2 times.
Lazy Bastard Face Mask
Massage remaining hair goo into your face while hair is cooking. Rinse in shower.
Dessert on Your Face Mask
1/4 cup of Greek yogurt (full fat)
Tablespoon of honey
Mix, massage into face, wait for 15-30 minutes, and remove with steaming washcloth or in shower.
Special Bonus Indian Princess Mask
1/2 cup full fat yogurt
Pinch of turmeric
Mix, massage into face, wait for 15 minutes, and rinse. Great skin brightener.
*You lucky bastards in warm climates play by different rules. For this reason, you are exempt from the Uglies.