1. I still have nothing to wear to my wedding. Quick! Someone cover that girl with a tarp!
2. Sample sizes are really, really small. It's fun trying on wedding gowns when YOUR ENTIRE ASS IS HANGING OUT BECAUSE IT CANNOT BE CONTAINED BY A ZIPPER.
3. My bridesmaids' dresses, however, match the color of the Greek Cathedral's hydrangea blue ceiling, which was completely inadvertent but will look all matchy-matchy when Martha Stewartopoulos covers my wedding in her magazine.
4. Our pre-marital counseling session was conducted by a former monk who spent six months sweating through a hair shirt in the Sinai desert. This is obviously where he developed his skills as a marriage counselor.
5. In a vain attempt to distract the monk from the fact that I haven't been to church in over nine months and can't remember anything about the Council of Nicea, I wore a glittery jeweled cross and a modest black dress in the style of an ancient hunchback/showgirl from the Old Country. Then I lied during the interview and Fauxhawk revealed that he is a heathen (Protestant).
6. Verne won't stop pissing the shower. This has nothing to do with the wedding, but it never ceases to amaze me.
7. I am on Day 3 of a 90 day program to get in shape and can't move without searing pain ripping through every muscle of my body.
8. The workout video is vaguely reminiscent of a gay porno from the eighties. I keep wondering when someone's going to "accidentally" drop a barbell and end up in a sweaty gay man pile.
9. I now own barbells. And a yoga mat. And a sweatband.
10. That's a dirty, dirty lie, except for the bit about the sweatband.
Photograph of the beautiful Evelyn Nesbit via Suicide Blonde.