Ren Netherland likes to transform labradoodles into all kinds of animals and take pictures of them, thereby destroying any shred of dignity the dogs ever had. I kind of love him for doing this, as I believe animals exist solely for our pleasure and entertainment.
boobs," I gasped from across the table. "They look...amazing."
bra," she whispered conspiratorially, revealing a scalloped edge of a nude fabric
that peeked out from under her pink Oxford cloth shirt dress. Toasting This Bra,
we polished off a bottle of wine (each) and found ourselves at a familiar,
grubby bar. It seemed important at the time to document effect of This Bra in a
photo booth - my modest, unassuming bosom juxtaposed against Liz's buxom Guess ad
pictures were the evidence I couldn't ignore: it was time to replace my limp,
frayed disgrace with something along the lines of This Bra. Very few things can
propel me to shop for lingerie - being impaled by my own bra is one of
* * *
Victoria's Secret, I peek out of the dressing room to attract the attention of a
salesgirl, who is chatting away to her friend.
anything I can try on that doesn't already have boobs in
strides over, snapping a measuring tape from around her neck.
always been a--"
But she is
already measuring me, manhandling my chest with all the authority and efficiency
of a head nurse. I try in vain to retain my dignity, but I am suddenly whisked
back to the memory of my first bra trial at Bloomingdale's, where I was poked,
prodded, and assessed to the point of humiliation.
my shirt to my chest, I venture, "Seriously, I just need a bra
wrong with the one you have on? It looks good!"
think it's a bit too..." I do a Dolly Parton impersonation, which for me is a
good," says the friend of the salesgirl, who, to my consternation, in now
peering into the dressing room in which I am cowering.
good, right?" says the salesgirl to her friend.
replies. "She's all goin' into work with her boobies lookin' like
BAM!" She sticks out her chest proudly.
laugh. I assure them that my boobies have never gone BAM! in their entire
But I buy
the bra. How could I not? Everyone wants to go BAM! once in a
*But not at at the office, unless you work for Donald Draper, in which case GO FOR YOURS.