Look, there was a time when I liked you. That scene when your mom dies in a forest fire? That was really sad. It wracked my little four-year-old body with sobs and I had to be led out of the theater, Bambi - before the movie had even started. I didn't even get my money's worth, that's how sad I was.
I used to think you were cute. UNTIL YOU ATE ALL THE LILIES WE PLANTED. We planted those lilies on our hands and knees so we could enjoy them, not to provide you with munchies after you and Thumper got baked. Now we are forced to spray the entire garden with DeerStop, which, contrary to its label, is not at all "pleasant to use" and instead smells like the festering excrement of a thousand bulls.
Next time I see you, I'm calling Woodrow over to shoot your ass down. I'd do it myself, but I know I'd end up losing a finger or an eye or whatever.
Thumper, let's just get it out there - you are a conniving, sneakly little SOB. HOW COULD YOU HAVE EATEN ALL THE ILLEGAL TULIPS I SMUGGLED FROM AMSTERDAM? I don't think you understand what I went through to get them past customs, but I'll have you know it involved SEVERAL boxes of tampons. I bet that made you feel like a badass, didn't it? DIDN'T IT?
I've got four words for you, az-weepay: lapin à la moutarde. I AM NOT ABOVE IT.
Photos by anniebee.
